Email Prank

The following charts an email relationship between a young man named Carey (name has not been changed to not protect the innocent) and a tasty young vixen named Cathy. What he doesn't know is that Cathy is in fact a hybrid creation of the great Jeremy Pine and his trusty assistant, Bob Johnston (names have been changed to protect the not so innocent).

Scenario: Jeremy knows Carey. They are (or were(?)) friends. Jeremy set Carey up via MSN with Cathy with the minimum of ease. Soon after he enrolled the services of the freelance writer; a certain Mr Johnston to help continue the subterfuge.

The first four emails below are all from Carey; we replied as Cathy but the emails have been foolishly lost. Also, several initial conversations on MSN Messenger will never be seen again.

A brief summary of the lost conversation is as follows:

Cathy, 19, works in insurance in Southampton and lives with her folks and her brother. She began the association by complaining about her boring job and that she was feeling a little down. Then she went on to say that thieves broke into her office and stole all the computers. And, 'for a laugh', burnt the place down. Luckily the manager of a local shoe-shop let them have half the shop to use as their office while they waited to be relocated. Cathy finds it distracting that while she is trying to work there are customers pacing back and forth testing out shoes...

To begin with we try our best to be a convincing girl but this concept is quickly forgotten as Cathy descends into insanity with bizarre outbursts and over-the-top news from her eventful and made-up life. Most definitely not a convincing girl, but somehow it worked. Probably the fact that her favourite subject was sex in it's many forms.

Warning: the emails below contains swearing and numerous depraved sexual conversations. Those easily offended are advised to waste their work-time elsewhere.

The emails span many, many months and the simply reason for this is that Jeremy and Bob were valiantly trying to avoid doing their actual work. They overwhelmingly succeeded in their goal!

Carey

Subject: Hello

Date: 7 Dec 1999

Hi Cathy

Just a quick message to see if I've got your email address right. This is my work address which is the one I normally use as I've only got access to a computer at work. Incedentally, yesterday was the first time I've used MSN messaging which was why I was quite so slow in working out what to do! What exactly do you do in your office? Also, why did you have to go when your Dad came back- doesn't he know that you use his computer? I'm completely knackered and am going home now.

Speak to you soon (hopefully)

Carey

 

Carey

Subject: Re: Hiya Carey

Date: 8 Dec 1999

Cathy,

Everyone feels that their life is a little dull, no matter what they're doing and I often do when things aren't going right in my work (which is quite frequent!). Just part of the ups and downs of life really. I spend the vast majority of my spare time going out with friends, and tend to make up for it by doing different things when I go on holiday. My sister lives in Paris and my parents live in Amsterdam, so I'm extremely lucky in terms of holidays, but they've only been there for about 2 years so far, so I'm still not quite used to it. When I visit them I catch up on culture and go to cinemas, museums and art galleries as well as eating out and going to bars, obviously. Do you ever go abroad? Got quite a heavy weekend planned as my flatmate is leaving soon and wants to do the 'campus 11' before he goes. This involves having a drink in all 11 bars on the campus and we'll attempt this on Friday. Then the lab has one of our many Christmas do's on Saturday. I've just realised this sounds like a wild and hectic life, but bear in mind that I've spent the last 2 months working about 12 hours a day and things aren't always like this. Do you go out with friends from work or old friends from school? Have you always lived in southampton? What else do you normally get up to? We have some free wine in the common room now (a one- off) so I'd better go and make the most of it.

Speak to you soon.

Love Carey

 

Carey

Subject: Photo

Date: 17 Dec 1999

Cathy,

I've attatched a jpeg bad picture of me. I've just realised how little I actually get photographed as this is the most recent one my sister could find and it was taken almost a year ago! I'm in my sister's flat in Paris in the pic, not Newcastle. Got to get off to work again now. Please send me a pic of you. See you soon.

Love Carey

 

Carey

Subject: Where are you?

Date: 21 Dec 1999

Cathy

Did my picture scare you?! You haven't responded since. How are you? I'm suffering from doing all my christmas shopping with a hangover after the department meal (piss-up) yesterday. Also worried by what I said to my workmates and supervisors when I was extremely drunk. This is the last time I can use this address until I get back (off the Paris tomorrow). You can contact me at ********@hotmail.com. If I can't contact you before, have a great Christmas and New Year.

Love Carey

 

Cathy

Subject: merry xmas

Date: 22 Dec 1999

Hi there!!

I'm afraid your picture sent me into uncontrollable convultions and was taken to hospital and put on a drip. But I'm ok now. Only kidding. I'm worse! Ho ho. I'm starting to get into the xmas cheer now. As I write this I'm wearing a santa hat. I wear it every evening. I've bought some for my family; but my dad steadfastly refuses to wear it. My big brother said he'd wear it but he covered it with mud before putting it on; so he is now wearing a brown hat. He does so like to wind me up! Anyway, sorry about moaning in my last email, I just had alot of things to moan about. It won't happen again, I promise. I'll get a picture off to you as soon as possible. Yours was a very nice picture.

Hope you enjoy your Parisian Xmas. Ta-ra.

Love Cathy

 

Carey

Subject: Happy Christmas

Date: 23 Dec 1999

Hi Cathy, Good to see you're in the christmas spirit. We haven't got the hats, but will probably get a bit more in the mood now that we've finished the shopping. It's a bit strange having christmas in Paris, but I'm not complaining. Mum's here for the first time, so I've spent half the time so far standing in front of famous landmarks having my photo taken. Any plans for the new year yet? Have a great time if I don't get the chance to email again.

Carey

 

Cathy

Subject: Happy Christmas and New Year!

Date: 29 Dec 1999

Hello Carey,

Just a quick email to say Happy Christmas and have a good New Year! Things have been really hectic here! I'm off to London for New Year, I hope I don't get squashed! Speak to you soon,

Love Cathy

ps I need to learn how to use this stupid scanner!!

 

Carey

Subject: New Year

Date: 5 Jan 2000

Cathy,

I'm back at this address now. Had an absolutely brilliant New Year in Edinburgh. Not quite as many people as I expected, but still busy. Great fun staggering drunkenly around the streets snogging every girl in sight. How was London? I hear it was very busy.I'm having a hell of a time trying to get back into working. I think I'll take the soft approach and only do a couple of hours today. Still waiting in anticipation for this photo......

Love Carey

 

Cathy

Subject: It's me again

Date: 11 Jan 2000

This time in visual. Yes, my picture is here for your appraisal. Oh you lucky man. Sorry it's a bit dark; that's me being useless with the scanner. But what else do you expect, hmmm?

London was coooool. Lots of very expensive fireworks on new years; very impressive indeed! Pity about the river of fire. River of water more like. Oh, watch it flow. A once in a millenium experince indeed! We waited for a while for it to burst into flames. But, alas, it was not to be. Oh woe, woe. Really good weekend though. Stayed with friends and got shafted by my ex.

By the way, that photo was taken on my birthday just before the millenium: I'm now 20 years old! Huzzah! Had two weeks off work altogether; just came back this week. Going to take me a while to adjust though; it's so boring! Also still in that bloody shoe shop. It's such a distraction. And people constantly stare at us as if we're a bunch of nutters. I'll be glad to get out of here. I think our offices should be ready quite soon i hope. One of the shoe staff was coming on to me big-time. So much so he was harrasing me. It was obvious to see; but I complained anyway and he was kicked out. It gives me some faith in the system anyway. Stupid little fucker. He can fuck off and burn in hell for all I care! Anyway, how are you, old bean? Hard at work I hope. Making the world a better place for your efforts. Anyway, I'm glad I've got my own computer now, my dad was getting on my nerves; always complaining when I'm using his computer. i know he uses it alot but he doesn't half winge. Oh there's me moaning again; I think I deserve a slap for that! Oh, that hurt. Time to go methinks before I seriously injure myself. It's been nice talking to you again.

See you,

love Cathy

 

The photo we emailed him was of a friend from Liverpool. She met the criteria of a) being good looking and b) not likely to bump into him at any point. That would have been funny though...

Carey

Subject: Phwooaar

Date: 11 Jan 2000

Cathy,

Very impressed with your picture; no wonder you get blokes harrassing you! Not that it's any excuse of course- serves him right if he doesn't know when to stop. I heard about the river of disappointment, but sounds like you had fun anyway, which is the main thing.Finally just getting back to work now after giving up and drinking for the last few days. The magnitude of how much work I have is simply too frightening, so the easiest thing is to forget it and go to the pub! This can't last forever I'm afraid so I've finally started doing some again. How did you suddenly aquire a computer? How does it feel entering your third decade, almost dead? Only kidding, I'm half a decade older! Have to try to catch you on Msn again, but you never seem to be connected. Speak to you soon.

Love Carey

 

Cathy

Subject: Re: Phwooaar

Date: 16 Jan 2000

Howdy ho,

Ooooooooh, it's late and I'm pissed. Just got back from the pubs. It was my friends birthday: last night! So I had a break this morning but then went back out drinking this evening. Great stuff. Would have stayed longer, but the birthday girl heaved for Wales (she's welsh)! So we took her home. Very, verry ill she was. I don't know; I'm being led astray by my alcholic friends and they can't even haev the decency to keep up with me. Drinking I mean. I appaer to be a natural!

Wa-hey!!!!!! i should corrrect you on a matter: i don't have a computer, I meant the one at work when i said I've got my own finally. Hmm? yes? although obviously i'nm using my dad's at the moment! And another thing! For Jesus Christ sake! Use some bloody semi-colons in your prose. I cannot abide slack handling of elegant poetry. I did notice just the one in your last email; but i'maffraid it's not good enough boyo(as my welsh friend says). So matey, if you don't start writing these damn semi-colons on a regular basis, then I shall be forced to discontinue our email association. A tad harsh you may think. But no, I don't think. I must admit I am adamant about this! I await your semi-colon clad reply. (Although colons are quite good too)

Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeee,

Cathyeeeeeeeeeee.

 

Carey

Subject: Semi colons;

Date: 18 Jan 2000

Hi Babe,

When people are pissed, normally their carnal desires are expressed. In your case this seems to be semi colons! Oh well; your wish is my command. I've also noticed that since our correspondance started, you've become an alcoholic; well done. I wonder if it's my subliminal influence flying down the ISDN connection? I've once again become completely nocturnal and will have to do something about this as I'm no longer communicating with people in the flesh. I'm also hitting financial meltdown and none of these bastards in the banks seem willing to throw money at me. Maybe if I take a gun with me next time.... How's life doon south?

Love Carey

 

Cathy

Subject: Re: Semi colons;

Date: 22 Jan 2000

Ho, ho,

I read the email I sent you when I was pissed. It made me laugh. I was going to write and apologise; but then I thought: nah!!! I was interested in what your reply would consist of. Hope you weren't too scared of little old me! It has been a quiet week, alcohol wise; which I'm glad of.

anyway, I have a slight problem; I wonder if you can help me. I've been worrying about it all week. I've always known my boss fancied me, but this week he actually asked me out! He's not exactly the dogs bollocks; he's bald, plumpish, with a podgy face. But he's quite cute really. He's actually divorced with two kids. Thing is, he's said in not so many words that i'll be up for a promotion if i play my cards right. Sounds good to me! Help, I need some advice. What do you think? It's so much easier talking to someone I don't know very well, rather than my friends, because they'll think I'm some kind of whore. Which I'm not. I'm not really all that experienced when it comes to blokes actually. Only had one long term boyfriend. Actually got a boyfriend at the moment; but we've only just started dating; and he's a bit of a flop in bed. I'm hoping the old geezer will know a few tricks. Is this really selfish of me to want someone else; just for sex (and a promotion). I'm not really a evil hag, really. I just like lots of sex. I need to hear something by monday, so i can tell my boss. I'll probably say yes though. He's quite sexy in an over-45s sort of way! You're the only person i've mentioned this to actually, so keep schtum. Good news! We are out of the shoe shop and back into our old offices. And they look great! Newly refurbished! Cracking man!

So what do you think? Should I the pork or will I the lamb!

Thanking you kindly,

Love Cathy.

 

Carey

Subject: DON'T!!!!!!

Date: 23 Jan 2000

Cathy,

NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

That's my advice. Are you completely insane? A good-looking young girl like you, going out with a leering ugly old BOSS. It has the potential to go horribly wrong on the promotion front as well as you'll inevitably realise that he's not terribly attractive and have to dump him at some point. Your bloke will probably get better in bed as you do it more. If you're really desperate for more sex, there's plenty available up in Newcastle avec moi! No doubt this advice will arrive precisely too late for you to act upon, I hope not. Must admit I was muchly amused by the pissed email- you'll have email me when you're pissed more often. I'm now completely alone in my 21 room mansion as the last flatmate has now left to be closer to the University (and also because he was getting lonely as I work very strange hours). I'm already feeling a bit lonely. Now your turn for advice. I met a nice girl in a club last Friday and she gave me her phone number. Problem is the usual one that I was pissed and can't remember much detail of what we were talking about and so phoning her and going out would be rather stressful. I haven't been on a date for centuries, should I give it a go? Got to do some work now as I've had a very strange weekend. Someone in our lab had to work for 24 hours (that's how long the experiment took) so I stayed then we went to the pub at 11am and drank all night! Then friends turned up for the weekend so I've done bugger all work. At least it was fun. Hope this gets to you in time.

 

Cathy

Subject: Re: DON'T!!!!!!

Date: 24 Jan 2000

Hiya Carey

Just a quick email to say thanks; I've taken up your advice. My boss was a bit moody with me today; heigh ho and I'll give my boyfriend a few weeks to get his act together.

I'm off out with Ceri tonight: my welsh slapper mate! She's got a few boyfriend problems.

Sorry for the quick reply; I'll email soon, take care, love Cathy

 

Carey

Subject: Phew.

Date: 24 Jan 2000

Glad you saw sense. Off out on a monday again! You really are beginning to drink as much as me. I'm distinctly stressed about huge amounts of work which I keep failing to do as fun gets in the way too often. Did I mention that I'm now completely alone in my 21 room mansion as a result of everyone wanting to move closer to the university? Already feeling a bit lonely, but does have the advantage that I can blast music out at any time I feel like it and don't have to creep about at night. Anyway, better get back to some of the aforementioned work.

love Carey

 

Cathy

Subject: Re: Phew.

Date: 25 Jan 2000

Hi Carey,

I was pretty shocked by the vehemency of your previous email! You seem to be dead against that sort of thing; I didn't realise it was so bad. You've made me think about it a bit more; but you never know I may succumb to his lardy temptation! Only time will tell as Bob Marley once said.

By the way, I felt a bit horny this afternoon and my boss shafted me over his office table. Sorry, I think I've let you down. Only joking! Ha ha, ho ho, hee hee.

Okay, now it's my turn to give a bit of advice; on the subject of your potential female companion. Don't bother.

Only kidding, if you're not desperate then there's no need. However it won't do any harm to give her a ring; especially since you're so lonely in your mansion! Who knows, maybe she's like me and just wants the sex! So you won't have to bother with any of that relationship crap.

Speaking of relationships; Ceri's boyfriend dumped her in the most precarious of fashions. He told her that he loved her and was really sorry for all the trouble he's caused recently. So then he took her out to dinner for an expensive meal, so she was really happy about that. But he went off to the toilet at one point, and didn't come back. Then she noticed a note on the table, so she read it and it said: 'I lied! Fuck off you welsh slapper.' She was really upset. Apparantly he's just a spiteful bastard; they ended up arguing all the time. I feel a bit guilty cos I fancy the pants off him; but i have to put my friend first though! She'll pull through though: she's a hardened welsh lass. For someone to do something like that though, there must be something going on that i don't know about. Pretty harsh if you ask me!

My boyfriend is coming around later on tonight; so I'm hoping for a good shag. An improvement is all I ask for. By the way, being a bloke, can you give him any advice on how to properly please a woman. I hope that's not too personal; but I feel I can talk about these things with you. Who knows; together we could mold him into the perfect sex machine! It's either that or it's a promotion for me; if you know what I mean.

Anyway, must go and make a cuppa, ta-ra

Love Cathy.

 

Carey

Subject: Re: Stuff

Date: 25 Jan 2000

Cathy,

My reply was only so strong because I wanted to make sure you got the point as I think it would be a big mistake. Also, pretty dodgy shagging someone for promotion. What would poeple at work think if you got promoted above them because of that? Anyway, that's enough of my moral preaching- you're making me sound like a puritan! As for ceri's situation, I must say that's the worst dumping I've ever hear of. He's either the world's biggest bastard or she's done something rather bad to him. She obviously needs a few piss-ups as consolation! (I'd be a great agony uncle- beer's always the answer). You're beginning to sound like a right sex-monster! Tell, your bloke to use his hands more; that's about all I can think of really. It's difficult to explain in words how to please a woman as it's not something that one really discusses, it just comes naturally. Incidentally, if you do come by Newcastle, the offer's still there! Still trying to think of things to say to that girl. I'd better phone her soon or she'll not like me for leaving it so long. Also better do some work again so speak (well, email) to you soon.

Love Carey

 

Cathy

Subject: Re: stuff

Date: 28 Jan 2000

Howdy Carey,

Hope you've had a good week. I've had a pretty stressful time: part of it my own doing mind you. My boss is not really talking to me much; it's a very mustard-like atmosphere. Also ceri is a bit down lately , for obvious reasons. I've been trying to get her to spill the beans with what went on with her and Karl. I know something happened; i wonder what she did to him? She won't tell me though. I'll let you know if she tells me; even if she tells me in confidence! Sounds like it's quite bad!

Cheers for the advice; sorry for putting you on the spot though; a tad inappropriate perhaps; but you coped admirably! Obviously i didn't say that you said it, but it hit the spot; if you know what I mean!

Oh, and by the way: I politely ignored your first offer of sex, but I can't ignore it a second time. I guess i'm giving you the impression that I'm a real tart; all this talk of getting pissed and shagging. I think it's giving you the horn? and it was not my intention. I think because we talk via email, it's made me more open to talk about these things; I don't feel embarassed about it all. Even though I've considered sleeping with my boss i'm not an easy-lay. I don't just shag every bloke I meet. I like to get to know people first before I consider jumping into bed. Sorry if I'm giving you the wrong impression; but I just want to talk about sex with you; not actually do it with you.

If you were actually living in southampton; then we'd get to know each other better and who know what might happen. I hope this hasn't ruined things between us; I hope you'll still write to me; who knows, maybe we'll be living in the same city in ten years time; then we can have a shag.

Oh yes, i went back to that shoe shop, and that guy who was hassling me is back working there!!!!! I couldn't believe it! Bunch of cretins! He gave me such a filthy look; it made my insides turn inside-out. Creepy fellow. Oh and on the subject of my boss +me . If i got a promtion for that then i still desearve it as much as anyone else there; it would simply be a nudge in the right direction. anyway must go and shag my boss

only kidding

hope you like my hilarious sense of humour! Ceri says I'm worse than lads at times!

Hope you email me soon,

Love Cathy.

 

Carey

Subject: Re: Stuff

Date: 1 Feb 2000

Hi Cathy,

I didn't get the impression that you were a tart just because you want to talk about sex- apparently that's what most people do on email! No, the fact is that I'm a complete tart and thought that you sounded a bit sexually frustrated and so thought there's no harm in offering! After all, there was a chance that you might have been visiting some friends in the area or something anyway. Don't read too much into it; I'm just being like any other bloke when in intimate conversation with an attractive girl. Also, I don't need telling twice if you're not interested.

Phew! That's that out of the way. I've been working ridiculous amounts and have just found out that I absolutely have to finish all lab work by the end of September! That's bloody worrying as things aren't going too well on the work front.

Think you're right about ceri; something must have happened for him to do that. Surprised that your friend and drinking partner hasn't yet spilled the beans.

Anyway, must get back to the ludicrous amount of work awaiting me. Any idea of when you're likely to be on msn again? You haven't been online any time that I have for quite a while now. Speak to you soon.

Love Carey

 

Cathy

Subject: blah, blah

Date: 9 Feb 2000

Hiya Carey,

Just got back yesterday from a short hol in Devon staying with my gran and granpa. I know some people down there too, so it was good to get away for a while. Get away from all the stresses of life; although really they hardly constitute a miserable existance. In the great scheme of things my petty little problems are just that. Shame that we must focus on our problems and not on all the good things in our lives; which always far outweight the bad; but we just can't see that. As long as we have our health and our family then surely that's all that matters? But no. It's human nature really; probably a lifetime of thinking this way has programmed our thoughts. Shame, I remember as a kid i had no worries at all.

Okay that's the end of the deep contemplatory-Cathy. She doesn't come out much but it's nice to get a visit sometimes.

Anyway, thanks for the apologetic email; I didn't mean to be nasty or anything; just wanted to sort that out. Suppose i don't blame you for asking; I am a babe after all!

A september deadline eh? Sounds to me like an awful long time to do some experiments. But I guess you'd know more about that than me. i'm sure you'll be fine.

Oh, tried to catch you on msn last week but failed; i'm sure you noticed. Speaking of Ceri; she has finally told me what went on with them two. Actually it's pretty bad; she really hurt him; and I can see why. I can see why he did that terrible thing to her too. He wanted some perhaps justifiable revenge. I don't think I should tell you though. Sorry, I know I said that I would; but it's pretty bad and I don't think I should tell anyone. Sorry about that. It probably wouldn't matter if i told you, but I don't think I should.

Anyway, you know alot about me that my friends don't know, so you'll have to be happy with that. Eh matey? Things are better with my boss at the mo. I think he's making an effort to b ereally nice to me, so that's good. It's nice to be able to speak my mind when I'm talking to you. My friends are good; but for me, this is better. I don't know if i'm over-stepping the mark here, but I wonder if you can give me some of your world class advice on a matter (that's not meant to be sarcastic; but on a re-read it sounds that way). Anyway, i feel a bit embarressed about this but here goes. Actually you better not be talking to your mates about my trials and tribulations. As I say, keep schtum if you may. well as I was saying, it's about sex(again), sort of. As in sex with yourself. (i won't say the word as it sounds seedy!) Which I do. and quite often it's better than with a bloke. Not that i'm a lesbian or anything; girls don't turn me on at all. It's just me that turns me on i suppose; (don't wnat to sound too immodest there). Which I think is strange! Is this normal behaviour? Am i a freak because I fancy myself. i think my breasts are gorgeous! when i'm in the mood I love a good feel! Sorry for talking about this but i'm confused and I can't really talk about this with anyone else. Do you do the dirty deed yourself? Sorry you don't have to answer that if you don't want to. But i assume you would think of girls when you do. And not yourself. So what does that make me? I'm concerned. Sorry you can ignore this email if you like. I'ts just been stressing me for a while now.

Sorry, I better go, talking about it has made me feel low,

love Cathy

PS Ignore this if you want, i'm beginning to wonder if i should send it at all, but here goes...

 

Carey

Subject: Re: blah, blah

Date: Unknown

Cathy,

I'm pissed and have just got to the lab so forgive any bad typing/grammar/etc. I loved the brief emergence of the Contemplatery Cathy; you've confirmed all that I thought of you as a really intelligent and thoughtful person.

About Ceri; You're obviously under no obligation to tell me (a total stranger, almost) anything, but you have aroused my curiosity to a ridiculous level. I would point out that many of my friends (whom I have obviously mentioned you to) have asked about you and I have kept shtum. I thought one of the best thing about our communiques was that we both kept everything between the two of us and that as a consequence, we could talk (type) openly to each other. Anyway, I don't want to put pressure on you, I just want to point out that I am absolutely honouring your request for confidetiality and saying that I'm now getting engrossed in your friends' affairs out of interest.

Bloody hell!! That sounded a bit serious. I told you I was pissed. The point was (I think) that you can tell me anything and it won't go any further. Actually, I'm quite proud that I've not told anyone anything about you, because I'm not normally a very secretive person. But as You've asked me........ Bloody hell; serious again!

Back to some points you made in your last email. Don't worry,I've not delayed answering because of any embarrassment, It's just because my server was down for a few days. As you should know by now, I'm not easily embarrassed, so talking about 'sex with oneself' as you so quaintly paraphrase it is not exactly breaking any barriers with me. In answer, yes I do; lots in fact. If you need to know, what I think of is girls (sometimes you!). However, thinking of yourself is not a strange thing. In fact, having studied psychology for a while I can even give it a name: voyeurism. In it's most extereme forms it involves all kinds of kinky stuff including, as you may remember, an MP with an orange in his mouth (dying). However, you don't have to be strange to indulge in it, and in fact most people do. I also do look at myself whilst (insert you coy word here(I call it wanking)). Everyone does. I'm becoming slightly concerned with how much you worry about being a normal (and very nice ) person. Basically, chill out.

I'm also worried about myself becoming a bit of a preacher when in contact with you. I'm not that boring a person, honest. I do stuff some times as well.......

Oh well, If you thought I was that bad, then surely you'd have stopped emailing me.

Keep trying to msn me, normally late at night

Love Carey

 

Cathy

Subject:

Date: 14 Feb 2000

Hi Carey, thanks for the nice email. I was afraid that you weren't going to reply ever again. I was going to email you and ask if I scared you away or what. But i didn't. Thanks for discussing wanking (as you say) with me. I was very pleased to read it. I'm glad you do too; it's good to know. Do you think every-one does that sort of thing? Perfectly natural thing to do; except it's got such a bad reputation.You are actually the only person i've told about that. How about you? It's good to know that you are keeping all this to yourself and not being a typical bloke and being insensitive. I thought you were very sincere in your reply and I trust what you say.

Good advice: to chill out. I'll try. Also when you said you were worried about preaching too much. I suppose that's because i'm ranting on about this and that, about my seedy little problems, then you have to step in and condemn my actions and what for. I fancy a bit of preaching myself! So how about it? you said you were not entirely without badness within you. So do you want to confess some horrible sins then i can give you some of MY world class advice. How about something really juicy! It won't go any further than myself naturally. Hot gossip please! Obviously i won't judge you for it; I'm hardly in the position to do that. But i'm here to talk to if you want.

About Ceri; it's nice to know that you are interested in the goings-on with my friends. I don't suppose it would matter if I told you what went on but i don't know. I want to though. I'll think about it.

Anyway, have you called that girl you mentioned you met? You haven't mentioned it so i assume you haven't. Not your type? Can't be bothered? Are women just falling by your feet and you can pick and choose as you want? Are you a bit of a charmer or something? Hmm? Hmm?

Right, actually better go now, off out with my boyfriend for Valentines, getting to really like him actually. Going to a club. Been busy all day so running a bit late. Just wanted to write and thank you for your letter.

Write soon,

love Cathy

PS thanks for calling me intelligent!!!

 

Carey

Subject: Re:

Date: 18 Feb 2000

Hi Cathy,

Reason for huge delays in replying are the server crashing and my having to prepare a talk for Monday. Consequently, no time to reply properly at the mo. Hopefully email agian soon.

Love Carey

 

Cathy

Subject: Re: something that's not a blank space

Date: 21 Feb 2000

It's just not good enough I'm afraid! Prostrate yourself before me whilst apologising profusely; only then will I grant you the forgiveness that you so desperately desire. Then your life would be complete.

Oh, I love bossing people around! Such fun! I think sometime that I would make a good queen. I'd bring back capital punishment of course. I'm not actually joking. If theft was a crime punished by death, then I'm sure tyhere would be less crime. Although millions would have to be executed. I don't mind pulling the trigger really. I'm not mad by the way; it's just my personal opinion.

Blood will flow! The streets will be flooded with blood of evilness. Just to touch it would taint your heart! Dead bodies would line the streets, assorted limbs would block up drains and make people with no legs feel better. Although wheelchairs wouldn't be very prctical anymore as theblood on the streets would clog up the wheels; as it's thick blood of course; thick with evil! people could apply for a license to kill people; evil people that is (of course). as long as they tidy up after them. bit of jif etc. otherwise the blood will flow down the streets. not very good for high heals; thick blood; evil blood...

i could go on, but it's back to work.

 

Cathy

Subject: vanishing

Date: 23 Feb 2000

Where are you? I'm suffering from Carey Cold Turkey! Your last email was but a quick fix! I need a sustained injest of Carey Talk! Help me Carey! You're my only hope!

 

Carey

Subject: Re: vanishing

Date: 23 Feb 2000

Cathy,

Sorry for lack of replies; I'm sure you must be crawling up the walls for lack of my pearls of wisdom. I'm sure queen Cathy is more than slightly mad. However, once again, I'm afraid this must be brief as I'm pissed, have even more work to do and have to get up at a reasonable hour agian tomorrow. Sorry; promise to reply properly soon.

Love Carey

 

Carey

Subject: Re: vanishing

Date: 1 Mar 2000

Hey Ho,

Still at work but have done sod, bugger and fuck all today. Exciting news is that I've got some sequence back and it's an MCP!!! I am completely aware that this means absolutely nothing to all I tell, but you'll simply have to take it on good faith that it's good news and I've cloned a gene I'm after. Now I can genetically engineer an army of monster bacteria and rule the world HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA. That's what most people think that geneticists do anyway, so I may as well. Now I've got my talk and viva out of the way, I can't be arsed doing any work and this is not good. I'm getting a computer at home soon which will be fun. I keep jumping from subject to subject without any warning. I think I need some sleep. No, I didn't phone that girl again that I mentioned. I phoned her once, but she wasn't in then I started working stupid hours again so didn't bother. A stud like me doesn't need to anyway. Not much. Honest. Anyway, home calls.

See you soon.

Love Carey

 

Cathy

Subject: mitre

Date: 19 Mar 2000

Hi Carey!

Long time no write; what's up? don't you want to talk to me no more? because actually I don't want to talk to you! Ho, ho; there's my hilarious sense of humour again! Have you missed me? I've turned orange! I have a new hair style; it's a mohican! I've been running the round the house scalping my family. My brother was the most satisfying, I got my own back at last, for the attack on the santa hat that I gave him a while ago. Arghh, watch out Carey! I think I'd better put my hair back to normal; otherwise my boss might spank me!

Oh, by the way, I got carried away last week in a work's do and ended up at my bosses place. I didn't have sex, but came very close, if you know what I mean. A near miss! He was gagging for it, but I'm getting stronger with the power that I possess over him. Soon I shall be all powerful and take over the office and that means I won't be making any more cups of tea! I hope you don't think bad of me, you've already stated your views on this little matter.

I had a big row with Ceri, I'm very mad at her. Ceri told my boyfriend about me staying over with my boss last week, but I managed to convince him it was just Ceri trying to take you away from me. Although I shall have to tread carefully next time I meet my boss, which is on thursday for some personal training on maintaining a good office atmosphere. Anyway, I need to get some revenge so that I can forgive her. So I shall take this opportunity to divulge some guilt free gossip. Remember the Ceri and her boyfriend bust-up? I'll let you know what Ceri did to make him so mad; she slept with his dad! twice! Can you believe it?! What a welsh whore. I suspect they are still at it, like welsh rabbits. I'm tempted to tell the wife, that'll sort the little bitch out. I was thinking this may be over the top (hat), I shan't stoop to her low flat (cap) levels; too much time in the coal mines, I guess.

How's your lab work? Have you created anymore monsters? I fancy another appendage or maybe a conversation to a haemaphrodite, is that possible? So when I play with myself, I'll have twice the fun! A twin peak (cap) of climax fun! It would be very interesting to find out. Maybe it'll be a snowball effect, and I won't really have to do anything except set the (base) ball (cap) rolling. An orgasm (or several) at the touch of a penis head (band). Mine. If i had one. Maybe my way of thinking will change. Perhaps whenever I'll see tall erect (helmet) buildings, something will stir inside of me, and I'll have to nip into a dark alley for a quick one. A good thing though, it'll scare my boss away for good! If I do have the operation, I wonder what (tur) buns I'll have; male or female?

Saw a prog recently about (some) body (where?) dystrophy; about people wanting to get rid of a limb or two; and they were quite serious about it too! So if you know anyone who wants to get rid of their penis, let me know! I'd love one! Although don't send me yours through the post, I was only joking! We'd need to be in the same room so as i can sew it on straight away! It would only get mouldy in the post. Would your penis be worthy though to be attached to my great self? It would depend on the parcel size I guess! I hope you don't send a postcard! Then I could stroke your manly beast before I go to bed each night. Although don't be surprised if I start fondling my heaving sweating breasts to really get myself going. I'd probably return to your penis at some point of course for a change. The combination is a winner! On that note I shall leave you with that thought, Have a pleasant wank (that sounds crude, but I mean it sincerely!),

love Cathy.

 

Cathy

Subject: Hello?

Date: 9 Apr 2000

Carey my friend,

What's up? I haven't heard from you in ages! Have I said anything to offend you or anything? Or are you just playing hard to get! At the moment I'm not getting any emails at all; my friends are back from uni at the mo; and you're not writing to me too! My inbox has been empty for quite some time now; it's getting boring. So I'm doing more work these days; more brownie points for the boss I suppose!

So what have you been up to then? Hard at work or hard at pleasure? Or both? Hope everything is alright with you; let me know.

My diary is pretty non-existent at the moment. Because i've lost it! Only joking, ho ho. You know what I mean don't you? Although it has been sunny for a few days; very nice indeed! Went to the beach with some friends; twice! Probably the most exciting thing i've done recently! I did lose my flip fops in the sea though; I think a shark must have stole them!

Also me and my girlfriends spent the rest of our time shopping. Such fun! It's one of my favourite things! Could shop all week; just trying on outfits. Saw a beautiful top in Gap, and i couldn't resist it! Forty squid; but it was worth it! Maybe i'm boring you; i'll stop talking about shopping now!

Went to the dentist last week! Think he was coming on to me but in the end he just gave me a good filling! I mean my tooth of course! You've got such a dirty little mind.

I'm a bit worried because you haven't replied to me, that my last email was a bit over the top ((hat) only joking). Actually I must confess that I wrote it with my boyfriend; and we had had a few. but it was such fun. Not that he's always writing with me; that was the first time; and probably the last! Thinking about it, it may have looked a little mad. sorry, I hope you don't hate me.

Please write to me, i miss your emails,

Love Cathy

PS Don't forget to write now!

 

Gap and the dentist are references to Carey's new girlfriend who has a very noticable gap in her teeth. Also we couldn't help but notice that she was unbelievably ugly!

Carey

Subject: Sorry!

Date: 13 Apr 2000

Cathy,

Fear not, your insane rantings are by far the most interesting emails I receive. Sorry for not replying for so long, it's a combination of work, new girlfriend sucking hours out of my life (yes, that's hours!) and checking email and thinking Must reply to Cathy; I'll do so later, then not having time later either because I'm working until knackered or am dragged out to pub. Sincere appologies. I hope you won't come and chop my head off. I'll email again soon (promise) telling all the goss.

Carey

 

Cathy

Subject: Re: Sorry!

Date: 17 Apr 2000

Carey,

It's Good to hear from you after all this time!! I'm glad it wasn't me scaring you away; it was just you being useless!!!! ( Reminds me of me!!)

New girlfriend sucking...? Tell me more! Actually that is an anti-paralel (prob not a word, but if you don't mind, i'll leave it there. Sounds good anyway!) with my life; as in I'm not with my boyfriend anymore. Sob sob. He left me actually! Anyway I'm pleased for you. I should get back to work now!

love Cathy

PS I'm getting worried! I'm getting obsessed with exclamation marks!!

Help me!!!!!!!!!!! (The semi-colons must fight back!!)

 

Carey

Subject: Re: Hello?

Date: 20 Apr 2000

Off to sunny Amsterdam soon (ie in a few mins). Should be good fun. Contact at *******@hotmail.com for the next 11 days. I'll email again when I get there.

Carey

 

Cathy

Subject: Bore Da!

Date: 1 Jun 2000

Alright Carey!

Remember me!? Your email friend from down South. I'm here to spout some insane rantings!! I've missed your emails; did you not get my last email?

Hope you had a good easter, having a good smoke or two? Actually i had my first smoke on holiday. My friend, Ceri actually, knew a local raster and we were sorted! Ceri and some of her friends have done it before but i was a bit nervy b4hand. Felt very light-headed, very strange and dizzy. The first night i did it i was so out of it that I went to bed straight away! Did it again few nights later; it felt better this time, really felt very free. Actually did something really embarrassing. And there is proof also. After the pub on the way home, I took my top off and ran around topless around Tenby's historical monuments. It felt great at the time but now i think it wasn't such a great idea. Esp. as Ceri's friend took some photos of me running around exposing myself to some shocked locals. I think i'll keep them close to my chest! So to speak!

Anyway, how's life in Newcastle? Hope your work is going better and not keeping you up too late all the time. How's your girlfriend? What's she like? Is she a babe like me? I'm still single actually. Boo hoo. Actually having fun being single at the mo; but not for long...need a man! I've not had sex for a long time and I can't remember the last time I had a manly orgasm! I have to make do with my own means; as good as they are, maybe if I had large fingers. Oh well, I tried some fruit, but it got a bit messy! it was an old banana and it was all gooey and black. I don't think I'll experiment for a while, also I've not had a banana since (to eat!). That reminds me, I watched American Pie last week; have you ever tried it with a pie? Apple pie? Doesn't turn me on, but you're a bloke, you could have fun with it. Anyway, i prefer mine with custard.

Anyway, I'm ranting away, I better go. Sorry but my emails always end up talking about sex. But I'm sure you like it really.

Anyway, please write soon, maybe I'll scan in a photo or two as an incentive. Maybe, anyway. If you're nice to little old me.

See you,

Love Cathy

 

Carey

Subject: Re: Bore Da!

Date: 1 Jun 2000

Hi Cathy,

Good timing! I've just got dumped! Well, 2 days ago anyway. And even more ironically, part of the reason was she couldn't accept my fondness of illegal drugs. The result is a reversion to masterbation, so quite neatly all the topics mentioned in your email are very topical. As for apple pies as a sexual tool, I'm afraid you've completely lost me. However, those interesting photos of Tenby's historical monuments could be useful.

I'm not sure what to do now re: ex-girlfriend. She was complaining of not seeing enough of me minus other people and we had arguements and she stormed off. I thought it would all blow over if I was nice to her for a while, but then she dumped me on Tuesday. I would like her back, but she is right in that we're not made for each other and will only end up splitting up later.

AAARRRGGGHHHH!!!! This means a) No sex b) Sad memories c) The need to go out and pull again. What if I've lost the touch after 2 months break from pulling??????

Anyway, enough about her. I think I'll probably just have to leave it finished. Good to hear of your first dope experiences. I did indeed partake of a joint or fifty in Amsterdam. Holiday was good fun except for my Dad being a pain in the arse at times. The highlight was Queen's day where there were parties literally all over the city. Walked around with the music changing every few hundred yards! Woke up at 9am with the windows shaking from the music from the bar opposite. Also met mum's mates who were nice. I was supposed to be set up with one of them, but being a good boy and attatched at the time, I did not take advantage. Must go and do some work (which is incedentally not doing too badly at the mo, but not that great either). Email again soon.

Love Carey

P.S. Why not use ripe fruit instead?

 

Cathy

Subject: Re: Bore Da!

Date: 11 Jun 2000

Hi Carey,

Sorry to hear about your girlfriend troubles. It's nice that you're being very frank and honest about it with me. Instead of saying that you don't care about her any more. Thanks for that. It does paint a better picture of you for me.

About apple pie; clearly you haven't seen american Pie yet! Go and see it you big oaf! It's just sooo funny. Very teenage humour but still. And of course one of the best bits is the apple pie.

I've been thinking of burning those photos i mentioned. Very embarrassing. Just pray that my brother doesn't find out about them. He'd tease me endlessly about them. probably try to find them. He doesn't know when to stop really. I wouldn't put it past him to circulate them around my office and so forth. I would have to revert to Queen Cathy of course and hang him untill death from my tree outside. Queen Cathy takes no prisoners as i'm sure you know.

Anyway, best go and have my tea, Ta-ra, love Cathy

PS Hope you are not watching too much football!!

 

Carey

Subject: Re: Bore Da!

Date: 11 Jun 2000

How's life? Still not pleased about girlfriend situation, but pulled last Friday in an attempt to be less morose about it. Good to know that I haven't lost my studular technique after a lengthy 2 month break from pulling! As you quessed, I am watching too much footy and have recently come back from the pub watching the Holland game. Are you watching any? Do you support any team? I'm from the red side of Liverpool, which is rather lucky as they happen to be the most successful british team ever. Must dash off and clone monsters as I need to get in early tomorrow because we're off to the pub early (someone who used to work in our lab has his viva).

Love Carey

 

Cathy

Subject: Women

Date: 13 Jun 2000

Carey,

I just had another look at your photograph that you sent me and I'm sure that there can't be many women that could resist your good looks; I'm struggling myself!

Remember when I said that some people burned the office down, well you'll never believe it, but they arrested two suspects last week. They found some computers and traced them back to these guys and in on it was big Val.

Can you believe it!

As far as the company is concerned, we've had the insurance and won't be prosecuting big Val.

Enough serious issues; I think it was a blow for my boss, especially as he had the hots for big Val; but he has the hots for any female in the office including big girls. And she is big!

What did you think about the england match? I thought it was great, I generally don't mind if they lose, I just like watching football. I always get confused by the offside rule; if the players aren't allowed on the other side of the defenders, then how are they supposed to score! I watched it in the pub and when we were two nothing up, I felt like stripping off again! So I went to the toliets and took my knickers off, because someone bet me a pint and then I threw them across the room. They were a bit sweaty, because I'd been jumping up and down after england's goals! I think someone stole them, because I couldn't find them after the match. I was cold for the rest of the night. Would you do that for a pint?

I'm just taking a break, I hope you don't mind ....

I'm back!

I was just looking at your photograph again! This time I got a bit excited and lost my knickers in the mad frenzied moment. I'm sure you'll be pleased to know that your picture did the trick. This is the first time I've fantasied over a photograph; I don't know what came over me, I just felt really horny. Must be the Parisian background! I hope you don't mind? Tou-che as they say in France!

That reminds me, Bernie (Bernadette from Austria) who has just started working in our office; has been emailing her boyfriend who is in Austria. So they don't see too much of each other. She told me that she sends naked pictures of herself! The thought of doing something so naughty turned me on; she even let me see the pictures and she wants me to take some new pictures of her! He does the same for her; but she wouldn't let me see them! No wonder she was sometimes glued to the screen; and I thought she was working! She's a quiet sort. Keeps herself to herself but I seem to get on with her ok. She's much better than big Val.

Anyway, back to you, don't worry about being dumped; it happens all the time! She obviously doesn't know a good thing when she sees it! I'd imagine you'll meet someone else just as stunning at the weekend. So don't worry! Be happy!

Wow, this email has gone on for some time! Much longer than your email!! Only teasing. Anyway, best be off to bed, its quite scary as there is no-one else here! Hope the bogey-man doesn't get me! Nos da!

Lustful desires, Cathy

PS Hope your cloning goes well; and don't forget my penis!

 

Carey

Subject: Re: Women

Date: 14 Jun 2000

Cathy,

I blame you entirely for my lack of work. The thought of you taking your knickers off and fantasising over my photo resulted in a swelling which could only be removed with the aid of visiting some internet sites which were entirely removed from work. However, I'm not complaining as I wasn't feeling too happy tonight until your email distinctly cheered me up. Speaking of people sending dirty pics via email, some of my friends have received such from their internet babes, so it would appear quite common. Also speaking of which, I am aware of the existence of certain pics of yourself which would satisfy these criteria.......... OK, I won't mind if you just tell this old perv to sod off, but you did bring the subject up and the idea is really rather appealling. That swelling is beginning again at the thought; better change the subject if I'm to do any work tonight!

I don't recall you mentioning this arsonist big Val before; who is she and why did she do it? As for the footy, it was a good game(all the better for the many drinks consumed beforehand as someone who used to work in our lab had just passed his PhD and needed me to help celebrate) but bad football as is usual for Kevin Keegan. I'm not too bothered about England losing, only Liverpool. I wasn't excited enough to remove any underwear; you sound like you'd be a great laugh to go out drinking with! How come you're on your own with the Bogey-Man? Oh no, I'm starting to get ideas about that now! Not having had sex for weeks after having lots with Claire is getting to me! I think I'll have to pull next weekend. Right, I'd better do some work now so thanks for making tonight distinctly more interesting than it otherwise may have been.

Almost too lustful desires.

Carey

 

Carey

Subject: New House

Date: 22 Jun 2000

Hi Cathy,

Just been looking for a new flat as the University have decided to destroy my current abode and so I must leave. Pity as for the last year I've been rich not paying rent. The bloody landlord didn't turn up so we only got to see the outside. It was in a complete slum; brilliant! Grafitti everywhere, litter everywhere, wideboyz driving past in their driveable noise machines, crusties living next door and a pub brimfull of under-age drinkers and slappers. What more could one ask for? Unfortunately Jeremy didn't see it the same way so I've got to find somewhere else. Still working away here and failed to pull at the weekend! Disaster! I'll have to make up for it tomorrow. How's about yourself? Have you replaced your boyfriend yet? Thrown any underwear around pubs lately? Must get back to the grindstone.

Love Carey

 

Cathy

Subject: I might be getting a dog!

Date: 28 Jun 2000

Hi pops,

Sorry I've not been in touch, but I burnt my fingers! they're alright now, burt I have big bandages around them now (not ideal for pleasing oneself! (or typing!)). You know how when you've washed a wok, and then you are supposed to heat it up to dry it and so forth; well I forgot it was piping hot and grabbed it with both hands and was burnt quite badly! I dropped it and the rim landed on my bare tootsies and left a deep gash! There was lots of blood. It hurt. Silly old me. I think I deserve a slap for it. Slap!

Anyway, i'm pretty fred up with it; although it is getting a bit better now. So as you can imagine work was at a snails pace.

There was a great happening last week. Big Val. And Bernie had a big fight! Over Big Val's jealousy over Bernie's apparant eagerness to ursurp Big Val's position! It was great! Big Val was magnificent! Although Bernie did go into a frenzy towards the later rounds but by then it was too late and the boss came in and broke up Bernie and Big Sweating Val. I've had enough of Big Val; I wish she'd go away. Which mifghtjust happen; she might beni some trouble! Speaking of people leaving, I'm having ponderings of my own about perhaps leaving my job, and maybe going to london. Get away from my parents as well. Feel I need to move on. What do you think? any advice on places to go since you are on the lookout for new places? Not sure I like the sound of crusties and slums; so actually i'm not sure if you are the best person to ask? Your friend Jeremy; wasn't he the guy who introduced us? I never forget a name! Although i did forget that he existed (no offence to him). Have you mentioned me to him much? He didn't seem very interested in writing to me at all. His loss (horse); your gain (no pain). Anyway, should gom now, my fingers are hurting; it's getting wquite hard to type. I feel so stupid I could cry.

Woof, ruff, bark,

Love Cat.

 

Carey

Subject: Re: I might be getting a dog!

Date: 28 Jun 2000

Cat,

Yes, you are right to assume that Jeremy was the person who introduced us. He was more interested in me meeting you than himself doing so as he was in love with his girlfriend at the time; no reflection upon your fine self. Watch out for woks; they bite! As for moving DO SO. There's nothing better for a nubile young thing such as yourself than to escape the claws of parenthood. I was only joking about the dump we looked at, by the way, although there is a part of me that would find it interesting to live in such a place. I've been awake for approximately 24 hours and am rather pissed so maybe I should return to the pub where I belong. I note that you refrain from mentioning my perversed musings of yesteremail. I'd rather you tell me I'm sick than ignore...... I'm afraid I'm too pissed to get the dog reference, pray explain.

Yours eternally confused,

Carey (or Car if you insist on abbreviation)

 

Cathy

Subject: Dogs (and mice too!)

Date: 2 Jul 2000

Brum, brum Car,

I don't like being called Cat, if you mean Cat short for Cathy; so don't call me Cat again, do you understand moonbean? You can call me cat if you mean cat, as in pussy cat. That's cool. I'm not too sure if I'll call you Car again; do you have any other nicknames? What do your friends call you?

Anyway, reason I called myself Cat was that I mentioned dogs in the email; and cats are the opposite to dogs; so it made sense in my mind to call myself Cat. For examlpe, if your name WAS Car, then I would sign off with Bike or Train. Do you see? So Car has many opposites. Jet would be a good one. Or even Palanquin. Or I could delve into the realms of weirdness and say "Love, Feet." Or even (walking) Stick. Possibly also could choose the Anti-Opposite and say "Love, Cripple," as in someone who can't move, can't travel. Hope that clears things up. Now that I've put you straight on this matter; I can relax. Phew, such turmoil in my small mind. Need a cup of tea first. Fear not. Be back soon.

I'm back!! Nice tea! Typhoo!

Ooooh!

Sluuurp

Aaaah!

I can't believe that any man would refuse me, how dare your friend just use me. I feel like....umm.......chicken tonight, for want of a better word.

What were you doing up for 24 hours? Do you get paid double for overtime? I couldn't work for 24 hours; I can hardly work for 8 hours at the mo. So boring and it's come to the stage where I don't like the people there. You were right about the boss situation; even leading him on. Now our office relationship is steadily declining. Not good.

At least you still like me! As for the pictures, don't worry, I wasn't ignoring your request, just didn't get around to mentioning it! So don't worry, i won't tell you to bugger off for being a perv. That's why I like you! Reminds me of me really! Although, even though I know you now, I would still feel a bit scared to send you the photos first, maybe you should send me some pictures first; I feel a little bit apprehensive about this. So, if you show me yours, I'll show you mine?

Sluuurp

Aaaah!

Cough!

Splutter!

I forgot to take the teabag out, oops

Best go and have some tea, as in meal tea, not tea tea,

Love Cathy.

 

Carey

Subject: Re: Dogs (and mice too!)

Date: 2 Jul 2000

Pussy Cat,

I did point out that my inability to comprehend the more subtle aspects of your last email was a result of drink and lack of sleep. Paid for work!!????? Are you mad? PhD students work obscene amounts for ludicrous amounts of money. In fact we once worked out based on the number of hours that me and Sam work, we are paid less than £2 per hour! It's the love of science we work for, not fiscal reward. Honest. Actually it's more to do with the fact of it being vaguely interesting, being able to work whatever hours I want and buggering off to the pub whenever I want. Nicknames. My friends used to call me caz in Wales, but that was never picked up afterwards and people have predominately called me Carey ever since, although Sam does call me Cas sometimes. My dad calls me Cags, as does Ug (now there's a nickname; his real name's Alex) and my mum embarrasingly calls me beeb, which stems from me being mummy's baby. Humm, pictures. There's a problem of not actually having any or a camera! I only have a few of me looking extremely drunk from lab nights out, but I'm afraid they're not terribly revealing. I don't have a problem in showing you anything, just don't have the means to do so. I'll leave it to your discretion. Still rather hopefull! AAARRRGGGHHH! Saw claire's new boyfriend on Friday night. I can only conclude that she is clinically insane to go out with this bloke instead of the sex-machine that is my fine self. I really must pull again soon, no action for 3 weeks! Jason had attempted to line me up with the friend of a girl he pulled last week, but he was drunk and didn't see her for very long. I, however, saw her in the bright light of day and wasn't terribly impressed to say the least. Let's just say that she wasn't as attractive as you! Understatement of the year. I do believe that this is the longest email in the history of the world, hence I shall cease.

Love Carey

 

Cathy

Subject: It's raining

Date: 5 Jul 2000

Cags,

I think I like Cags best; it suits you. I don't like Cas, that's a bit of a girl's name. Have you ever been called lamb chop?

Do you like South Park?

I must wax my bikini line. It's getting late; I'll email you soon. Honey, honey.

Love Cathy

 

Carey

Subject: Re: It's raining

Date: 17 Jul 2000

Hello,

I'm now somewhat nervous as I'm awaiting a collaborator from Canada and will consequently be presenting my work to someone who understands it in detail and wishes to steal it. I'm dreading that she may turn up early and I'll have to entertain her until my supervisors return. What does one discuss with an old academic?

Can't exactly ask her if she's tried out the local boozers can I? Anyway, I'll head off and go through my stuff again now. Speak soon.

 

Cathy

Subject: lesbos

2 Aug 2000

Carey,

I thoink I'm a lesbian!! Slept with Ceri and I really liked it!! Although it was a bit awkward in the morning when we woke up. But we decided to give it another try! I think everyone must dabble at some point; or at least want to. I realise now that I was in denial b4; but now I'm out! How cool am I?! I was thinking of telling my mum and dad that I'm a lesbian`; what do you think?

Although I still fancy blokes so maybe I'm not really a lesbo; bi-sexual would be better. Or maybe this is just a silly phase! I'm confused......but I shall just Roll with It as Liam would say. Have you ever had any strange experiences? I wouldn't mind haven't a five-some with two other females and two men. Great! Maybe an extra fat old man thrown in to the brew! My boss! And a dog. I quite fancy lassie. Ruff ruff! And Benjie! Not forgetten the littlest hobo. And one of my friends Dachshunds; Lovely black and tan. Smooth. Don't like those wire haired! How about you? Maybe I'm getting a little bit carried away now. I hope I'm not losing it!! I think I am though; I seem to be slowly losing my slender grip on reality...But don't worry, I'm ok.

fuckity fuck...

Yours fucked (by Ceri),

Cathy

 

Carey

Subject: Re: lesbos

Date: 8 Aug 2000

Phew! How thouroughly exciting. As you still fancy fit blokes such as myself, I think bisexual would be a better expression. Still wouldn't say anything to your parents until you're a bit more sure of things. It's given me a new mental image which is rather pleasant! What does Ceri look like? Have you done it again yet? I'm afraid I'm a tad boring in this department and have absolutely no desire to try with blokes, although I've had plenty of gays trying to pull me. I used to work in a gay bar in Torquay when I was 19 and all the blokes in there fancied me. Mind you being older and more haggard they probably wouldn't be quite as interested now. My sex life is destinctly lacking recently despite a fair bit of trying. I'm at the dangerous edge of losing confidence which leads to pulling less which in turn completes the vicious circle by lowering confidence further. Hopefully pull soon and reverse the trend.

Happy female-shagging!

Love Carey

P.S. Do you have to wear dungarees now? Only kidding.

 

Cathy

Subject: Wool

Date: 11 Aug 2000

Carey,

How are you?

I've started wearing dungarees and I've not shaved my armpits and legs for weeks; Ceri likes it that way! And yes we've done it a few more times. Although I'm getting a bit bored of it now, I want some substanence, a really man. I think I'll lick, err .. sticky with the female sex gender bender thing for the time being, maybe!

What have you been up to? Have you finished your lab stuff yet? Surely it's the summer holidays? I've got my belly button pierced and it's gone a bit septic ... I'll get Ceri to kiss it better later ...

I suppose now I could try having a threesome with two girls and a bloke; maybe this is not a good idea. Would you participate in such carnal acts?

And no I haven't told my parents yet, but Ceri is often round; I think they may suspect, sometimes I'm a bit noisy. I pretend we're wrestling, so my parents won't know. I've even made a name for myself: The Caterpillar as in the big digger and not the horrible little creature; and I've called Ceri The Woolly Beast, for obvious reasons. I suppose it's kind of true about the wrestling; good foreplay and sometimes I wear my leotard, but not for long!!

Enough of my sex life, I'm sure you find it boring. Work is still depressing as ever; I may just pack my bags, make some food and ride my moped to London. Become a politician and rule the country. I can easily get to the top by sleeping with everyone; even Mo Mowlan. Made. I think that's how maggie thathed it

Bed. I'm mad.

Love Cathy

ps did you work at Faulty Towers in Torquay? I didn't know basil was a gay.

pps ta-ra

 

Cathy

Subject: Where are you? Scooby-do!

Date: 17 Aug 2000

Aye-up pop! Yer cheeky fucking ugly useless slimy creep! How are you? I'm not well cos you, yer big lug, haven't emailed me! Fuckwit! Stop playing with my emotions; it's tearing me apart!

So no more! I will say before I go that I've fancied from the very beginning; before I even saw your photo; when words were all we had between us; nothing else mattered; just the sweet poetic way you used to type not words, but feelings, through etheral space and time.

Haven't you realised this yet? I've been trying to make you jealous! All my boyfriends were real but i would have ditched them for you in a second! Now it's too late of course! You've hurt me! And you probably didn't realise I was gutted when you started going out with that tart! Bastard! How could you treat me this way! That's why I slept with Ceri; to get you jealous! But it never worked; you just ignored me!!

This is Goodbye! I shan't expect to hear from you again! You insect scum! As in you are just an user! You used me! I stamp on bugs for breakfats!

Ta-ra, Cathy. (Heartbroken, sob sobs; I like hob nobs)

 

Carey

Subject: I use therefore I am

Date: 18 Aug 2000

Cathy,

Good to see you've finally completely lost it! Don't worry, I have this effect on everyone. Here I am evilly seducing you with a keyboard in the hope that you'll eventually succumb to my innate sexual prowess through the cables of the ethernet. That's what I like to think anyway. As for wrestling with you and Ceri, you'll have to send me her photo (as if I need it)! And those photos while you're at it. Anyway, I have sequences and they need looking at; speak soon.

Love Carey

 

Carey

Subject: Mutants!!!

Date: 24 Aug 2000

Cathy,

You reeka! I appear to have created a monster! I may very well have a mutant bug that I've been after for so long. Excitement! Joy! Still not sure yet, though. At this rate a may well finish my PhD before the end of the century. Also, I may be off to Canada for a few months to teach some youngsters my dazzling talents. All good news. Except for my supervisor being a pain in the arse. Firstly, I have to move from my beloved bench to be squashed in a corner, then she's gone and put a password on the computer with the CD writer on it! Bloody annoying. I'm very lazy and still haven't done any work today. Hence I must do. See you.

Love Carey

 

There was one more email from Carey but we lost it somehow; probably because we are useless fools. If memory serves it was fairly mundane anyway so no great loss...

UPDATE: Actually we have now found it during a spring clean - it was lurking in the unseen depths of an email account. Completion of epic tale is now, er, complete.

Carey

Subject: OI

Date: 31 Oct 2000

I see you've clearly got bored with me, but I'm now p*ssed and appeal to you to communicate again as I really miss your strange emails. Oh well, I've got to try.

Carey

 

At this point we decided to call it a day and let Cathy go out on a high with her insane outburst. It was tempting to reply with more random madness but we had wasted far too much time already when we should have been working.

It should be noted that no work was done by Bob Johnston even after these emails ceased.

As far as we know, Carey still does not know the true identity of Cathy...hmmm, maybe he does now.

Jeremy Pine and Bob Johnston have since done many other pointless things to amuse themselves but that's another story...